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Video Game Character I Wish I Could Be #1
1. Master Higgins from:
Game Plot: While Master Higgins is enjoying a date with his girlfriend Tina on a treetop, an evil sorcerer named Dark Cloak suddenly turns Tina into stone. The player controls Higgins as he travels his way through five stages with four areas each. The first three areas in each stage has Higgins fighting his way through an obstacle course, fighting many traps and enemies, in order to reach the goal ball. The final area in each stage consists of a boss battle. Wikipedia My Take on the Plot: Life doesn’t suck if your master Higgins from, long time childhood favorite, Super Adventure Island for SNES.
Master Higgin and myself both love the tart nectar of kiwis. Here’s the differnce: On the island, kiwis give you energy, taste delicious and fly in flocks. On planet earth in present times, kiwis give you energy, taste delicious and…closes my throat up, give me cold sweats and makes my tongue feel like it’s on fire. Why did the one fruit I am allergic to have to be kiwis?
We are all guilty of fantasizing about what kind of unorthodox liquid we would want to swim in a pool of. Master Higgins swam in a whale filled with fruit punch, chewed up Lebron Lightning Lemonade and spinning manta rays that crap Hostess Sno-Balls. I am jealous of that. More from my Video Game Characters I Wish I Could Be coming soon. #super adventure island #master higgins #kiwis #cold foxy girlfriend stone
3 toys I wish I had growing up
I grew up playing with the standard usual suspects of toys for boys. Bug-eyed-Peter Venkman, Leatherhead from TMNT, and Mean Weiner from Food Fighters were always scattered about the beige carpet in my play room. But a few toys stayed on the wish list rather then the Target receipt. 1. Big Foot Power Wheel
When I was about 7, I used to envy the kids that had Power Wheels, especially the BIGFOOT one. I would day dream about packin’ up the Power Wheel with a Nerf gun, and a canteen full of cranberry juice and getting the fuck out of town. But once I realized that because I have been tall every waking second of my life, there wasn’t a Creamsicle’s chance in hell of me every fitting into one of these damn things. Even I sat on the PVC pipe roll bar, my Lunchable eatin’ ass would weigh the thing down so much that the battery would only have enough juice to power a Squiggle Pen for 5 minutes. 2. Snoopy Snow Cone Machine
Growing older makes you realize that the Snow Cone is a pretty shitty dessert. But back in the day, I recall answering the question “what super power would you have” with “being able to squirt cherry shaved ice out of my finger tips”. Sidenote: What’s the deal with “Sno”. I don’t think the FDA would slap a fine on you for calling the pulverized ice that Charlie and the gang made snow. “I’m sorry Snoopy.” says the FDA agent. “But in order for your product to be called snow, water has to fall from the clouds that hold up heaven, freeze into a flake in mid air, then fall gently onto terra firma.” It’s a sad fact, but Snoopy’s innocently sweet and harmless sno-cone chalet has now turned into doing pomegranate vodka ice louge shots with the chick that’s annoying everyone at the party. 3. X-Men Dual Screen Arcade Game
There’s a millimeter of skin on my right index that will never grow back from the 5 years I smashed it into the ATTACK/JUMP/SPECIAL buttons on this monolithic statue of awesomeness. Playing this beast in the arcade was one thing, but the idea of having it in your rumpus room would have been the equivalent of owning an F-18. If I need to lift a heavy object up, I’ll let out a “Colossus power up” sound (dudes know what I’m talking about. #sno #snow cone #bigfoot #power wheels #snoopy #ice louge
8 Ball patches: door knobs into the world of the dirt bag.
Nothing highlights a dirt bag’s vest quite like the 8 ball does in it’s galaxy of hysterical forms. Though considered now to be retro, I sometimes shed a tear when I paint the image in my head of a mid-life-crisis suffering auto accessories salesman staring at a warehouse full of 8 ball merchandise that just isn’t selling like it used to back in 1992. But, nostalgia has made me come to the conclusion that I will/need to spend at least $10-$15 dollars on a solid 8 ball patch to rep on either a denim vest or jean jacket. While shopping around on the internet, I found a few patches that just might the cut: 1. This one I call “The Cheeky Jester”
More often appreciated in it’s skeleton form, the jester giving the bird is always classic and very “dirt-baggy” Somewhere in the 90’s, clothing companies decided it would be a genius move to make jesters the spearhead logo of the “screw you, your not the boss of me” youth. I find this ironic because if a jester would have said “fuck off old man” to a king during medieval times, I’m pretty sure his limbs would be pulled off his torso by a dirty rope coved in cow shit. This is a strong candidate but let’s see what else there is. 2. The Flaming 8 Ball (aka the “I am gonna pick a fight with you if I lose this game of pool” symbol)
I thought we ruled that “flaming” anything was lame a while ago. But drive on any highway, step into any Guitar Center, or play with anything Micro Machines made and you’ll find that flames are still on fire and can not be extinguished in the consumer’s image of the world. There are very few things labeled “flaming/flamin” that I enjoy. For example: Flaming arrows=brutally awesome Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetoes=eaten by people that don’t know how to wipe well Flamin’ Moe’s= an excellent Simpsons episode Flaming water= …well…that’s both awesome and fucked up. I don’t know how to feel about that one. 3. She-Devil sitting on 8 ball
Pros and cons about this patch. Pro: Hot she devil. Con: A hot she-devil sitting atop an 8 ball usually means you have an unhealthy love for modern rock-a-billy music and that’s a sin in itself. 4. The O.G.
Some say the plain eight ball patch in biker-dom means living life on the edge. Others say it means that you take the gamble on having both good, and bad things happening to you. Well for someone who died for a few moments while doing something he loves, this version seems most fitting for. I choose you O.G. eight ball. #8 ball #vest #dirt bag culture #jester #she-devil #flames |
Turbo Funeral is the observations, rants, writings, pictures, jokes, and thoughts of Louisville based professional dude Elliott Turton.
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Most nights on “Supa A” Island consist of you and your, stone cold fox hippie, girlfriend Tina take magic mushrooms a private cliff and stargaze over a field of “the kindness.” 
